Writers block.

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As always, I will gift you a picture of my cat, because she is a gorgeous little furry human, or at least she thinks she is!

I haven’t written on here for a long time, and to be honest, it’s because I don’t know what to say. I have been having a very bad few weeks, including being stressed at work, college ending and not having achieved my full HND (as per my 5 years plan) and also I lost one of my close friends, who sadly took her own life. It’s not something I can ever blame myself for, it is no-ones fault. I just wish I could have helped or even known something wasn’t okay with her. The support I received from friends and even my work was exceptional, but I am still having nightmares about the whole situation, the stress of that combined with my anxiety is completely exhausting me.

One thing I am more than grateful for is Daniel, I realised the other day we have been together for 4 and a half years now, If one person can help me through everything its him. He has been so strong and so calm through every issue, every breakdown, every anxiety attack and even every trip to the hospital. I keep seeing people I used to know with their new relationships and how they are all getting engaged and married, even having children. One thing I can’t wait for in my life is to have kids, but I know for a fact I am not to mature enough yet or even healthy enough to be able to raise a human being. I know that if Daniel and I fell into that situation he would do as he always does, and find a solution for us to be able to be a happy family with everything we needed. I just hope that when the time comes we are ready. I just plan on being engaged and married first, I am sure when we have the money he will have it on his mind too. One of my favourite parts of our relationship is when he begins to discuss our future – where we will holiday, how we will raise our kids, what kind of wedding we want, even what kind of bed sheets we will have. I just adore his mind and how much he cares for me, I am exceptionally lucky to have him in my life.

Someone else I am lucky to have is one of my best friends, I have never had a friend that looks after me the way he does. Kieran. In a weird way he is like my old brother, yet he is younger than me. He is always there if I am upset, or unwell, or even needing taken to hospital. After my bad few weeks I have had, he decided he would get me a present. One of my obsessions – as a 20-year-old female – is unicorns. I always joke that I was born to be one and that they are my spirit animal. So as a good friend he bought me a gorgeous unicorn onesie as a really early 21st present. It’s the one thing that has happened recently that has picked me up a bit. I cried when he gave me it, which made me feel ridiculous.

Sometimes you definitely need a unicorn onesie as a pick me up.

I hope you are all well, I will try write more when I get a chance, Even if it is complete rubbish.

Relax.

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Here is a picture of Dan and I’s happy holidays faces.

Finally home after our short holiday down south to see Daniels family. It was such a nice few days away, to be honest it didn’t last long enough, I wanted more time away to relax and sort out my head a bit. Nevertheless, it was great. I love his family, we get along so well, they put me at ease. I haven’t felt so at home in years. I’m in 2 minds about Norwich, or even just England. In one respect it isn’t my home it isn’t where I am from or where I am used to, in another respect, would a fresh start be good for me? Just for Daniel and I to move away from here and start a whole new life together? We have been together long enough for me to be happy to commit to leaving everything I know to move away with him and start our own new lives. Personally, I would prefer to move somewhere warm by the sea, so I can scuba dive and do my marine biology without being wrapped up like a Inuit. But, if moving down south meant I could have a fresh start, maybe it’s a good idea. Who knows.

Anyway, back to the holiday. It was gorgeous weather, I love the people down there, the wedding was stunning and everything went well. It was just the travelling I had an issue with. I don’t do planes. They are scary. I was not built to fly. I don’t like it. It’s worse than trains. I was so uncomfortable the whole time. On the flight down there was as girl beside me that would not put down a rubix cube. All I could hear the whole time was ‘click, click, click, click’, I wanted to hit her.

 Anyway, that’s besides the point. I enjoyed the holiday and I think it did Daniel and I some  good to be away from home for a few days. But it has made me want to move.

New boutique nerves.

Nespresso-About

So I started a new job at Nespresso at one of their gorgeous Boutiques (shops). They are opening a new one in Glasgow – I can now say this online because it has been officially revealed and we open first thing tomorrow morning. I have been excited about this opening for months and now it’s finally here, I am petrified.

I know the job well, in previous jobs I have worked with public and tills and all sorts of situations, but, for this I am scared. This job requires so much knowledge and understanding about coffee – knowledge which I don’t feel like I have. The team I am working with are amazing but the second I jump out of my comfort zone my anxiety looses it. Today I got to see our wee boutique and it made me excited but really nervous for tomorrow. All I keep thinking about is the number of ways that I can fuck up.

It’s the thought of a customer coming up and asking me something, my manager watching over me, me not knowing what to say, then BAM. Hyperventilation, spinning head, heat feels like its been turned up a million degrees, blood pressure drops then I do.

I am sure I am being stupid and the next 2 days will go great, I will have a wonderful day that goes in ridiculously quickly and will enjoy my new work with my amazing work colleagues. I will post an update when I get a chance, but I finish late on Thursday night then I am jumping on a plane to go down to England to go to my partners Dads wedding. I definitely need a few days away to chill just with Daniel and his amazing family. The sooner I can become a part of it the better. A nice day at the wedding plus a few nights at his best friends house. Plus a few days in a hotel! Every couple, no matter what age, LOVES a hotel room. There won’t be updates on that portion of the trip though, I think that will be more private.

Hope everyone is having a good spring, who can believe it’s April already?! Summer next! I better get working on my beach body as it is NOWHERE near ready.

Medication.

Tablets

SO today I discovered something upsetting. As I mentioned in my last post I went to A&E and found out I had a viral infection that has made me really unwell all week. Today I looked at the medication I have been taking for my anxiety and discovered that on the information booklet it read:

‘Stop treatment and contact a doctor at once if you have the following symptoms of an:

  • intolerance to propranolol tablets such as slow heart rate and low blood pressure causing dizziness, light-headedness, fainting or blurred vision
  • allergic reaction such as itching, difficulty breathing or swelling of the face, lips, throat or tongue

Out of these symptoms I have been experiencing low blood pressure, which is causing me to faint, light-headedness and difficulty breathing. When at the hospital I was asked if I was on medication, and of course I mentioned the propranolol, and they didn’t mention it again. When you are told you have a ‘viral infection’ almost everyone knows that is code for ‘You are unwell, we don’t know why, so here is a general diagnosis’. My issue now is do I stop taking my medication? Or do I hope that this passes? Because without my medication I can barely leave the house without freaking out, and I have to go help out one of my close friends tomorrow do an experiment for his Biomedical Science graded unit. Plus my doctors is so very busy so I wasn’t able to get an appointment for another 3 weeks.

I am getting severely fed up with not being able to get a handle on my anxiety, every medication I try, I get one of the bad side effects and end up feeling a unwell or even worse, I end up in hospital. If anyone has any personal experience of this or similar issues feel free to give me ideas, because at this point I am very fed up and no-one around me seems to understand. I want my anxiety to calm down. I would love to be confident enough to go out again without taking tablets.

On a lighter note, my boyfriend is currently wrapped in a fluffy pink blanket, very masculine Daniel, very masculine.

Death heated up.

ariel

SO after feeling really unwell the other day I found out what was going on. I spent the whole week falling over due to being so dizzy, I even attempted to go to work on Thursday but got sent home as I tried to get up from my chair and just hit the deck, must have looked super attractive. It’s probably a good thing I don’t care what people think anymore. I think it’s a skill you adopt in your twenties where the way people view you really doesn’t matter anymore, it’s not like it will change much – unless it’s a possible employer, then get out a straw and suck up.

Anyway, back to me being ill. On Friday I tried calling the doctors to try to get seen as I realised this wouldn’t just go away, but as per my luck, they were fully booked and a nurse just told me to go to A&E. The A&E department at the hospital near my house must know me so ridiculously well by now. I decided I would bite the bullet and go, but first I would shower, then tidy up the flat a bit, then relax and watch tv… This went on for hours until it was too late to get a bus out to hospital. I am the queen of procrastination. I was pretty happy that I avoided the hospital for another day, although my friends and family were pretty irritated that I didn’t go get checked incase there was a chance my seizures would be affected. The following day I got a text from my best friend saying she was on her way to take me to hospital. Great. Dude I wanted to sleep and pretend nothing was wrong. You were only meant to be bringing me cake. I was then dragged to hospital *figuratively * kicking and screaming.

The sheer amount of times I have been to A&E I could do the examinations myself. Every question they ask and test they do I know about, even what order they do them in and what they can find from them. I got taken into a room and told to put on a hospital gown so I could have my heart checked and they did some test to make sure I had ‘normal cognitive function’, for anyone who knows me, I have NEVER been normal. Anyway after all their tests and poking and prodding I was told I have a viral infection that is affecting my blood pressure – to someone who knows how hospitals work, I know this means they have no idea whats wrong, I am just unwell. With this information I was sent home to recover. And told not to go out for a few days.

So right now I am hibernating on my sofa in a blanket trying not to move because whenever I stand up, the blood pressure goes down and I hit the deck.

Also, Ariel makes everything better.

Complete write off.

anziety

Sometimes I have weird days where I wake up and I can’t breathe. Today was one of those days. I woke up to get ready to go to college, and as I sat up I realised I was struggling to breathe, I felt really dizzy and I was shivering but sweaty. I sat from 6am until about 10am just trying not to fall over, at one point I even went into my bathroom (because it was cool) and sat on the toilet and placed my head against the wall in the hope it would make me less dizzy. I didn’t wake up Daniel because I assumed this would be like any other day and it would pass in an hour or so, then I would get a later train into college and carry on my day as normal. This didn’t work out in the slightest. I then tried going and sitting in bed with a hot water bottle and one of my Zelda manga’s, I managed to re-read the first page at least 11 times. For anyone who has read a manga you will know they only have about 5 words per page, so from this you can judge how zoned out I was. I then spent the entire day either in bed or on the sofa being super dizzy and a bit of a mess. I have to get up for work in the morning and it is the last thing I want to do, I am so worried that I am going to get really dizzy again and make a fool of myself at work.

I am still not sure if my issues today were caused by my anxiety or by the seizures I have had previously, which I am going to a seizure clinic about in the next 2 weeks. The feelings I experienced today were very similar to how I feel right before I have a seizure or pass out, if they continue over the next few days I will wait until I have a day off work then maybe go get checked out at hospital again – as I was told to attend every time I feel this way as they are investigating heart and brain issues caused. Really today was a complete write off, I also got news of a family friend passing away which would have thrown me off on a normal day, I can’t wait to move on and try to get back to a bit of normality. Here goes nothing. Onwards and upwards. Lets hope that my dizziness and shortness of breath today was nothing.

New job.

Anxiety-Girl

So, I just started a new job. It’s one of the worst feelings walking into a room full of strangers that you know you are going to end up working with. First impressions are my worst nightmare because I never make a good one. I have asked my close friends about this in the past and none of them got the best first impression of me, it was getting to know me that changed their mind. So I was terrified. When I walked into the room the first impression that I got was that all these people were about 5 or 6 years older than me, also they had far more experience in the retail environment. I only have experience in a call centre (which I hated) and a restaurant (which I disliked but I was very good at).

After a few hours I realised all the people were lovely, but far more outgoing and chatty than myself. As we are currently in training we are doing ‘in-classroom’ work, and one of the things I struggle doing is speaking out in front of a classroom because of the chance I will embarrass myself with a stupid answer or comment. It’s a coffee company I have started working for, one of which I am a faithful customer. So I have a good knowledge on the company and they products prior to the training, but even though I know I have a good knowledge I couldn’t put myself forward when answering questions. I am scared of becoming the ‘know-it-all’, but on the other hand, when I never answer a question am I being perceived as the girl who knows nothing? It’s a tough situation to be in when you know your anxiety is going to put you down no matter what you do, you foul son how other people are seeing you more than focusing on yourself to widen your knowledge and improve your skills for work.

I have my first aid training tomorrow which I am looking forward to, I just hope I am confident enough to do the demonstrations so I can obtain my certificate. Well here’s hoping anxiety doesn’t join my class with me!

Biological effects.

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Because I am a science student I am interested in the biological effect that anxiety has on the body. I am planning on putting in far more research to this, but for now, here is a small diagram of a few effects. Each of these I have experienced, not all at the same time, but I never assumed they were my anxiety.